college weekend

Saturday, August 30, 2008
the college diaries... Category: Life
And so? It has been a week since we said "See you soon" to the oldest of my crew. He was officially on his own and would officially become a college student that following Monday. In some ways its hard to express what I am feeling, and yet, when given the opportunity, the words and thoughts are fused together following with great eloquence. duh...who am i kidding,....
This has been a hallmark year of many. Seems as though every year is because there is always something new, some new adventure, some new hardship, ...always something. But this year, I'd have to say was different in many ways. Not only for me, not only for my son, but also for my family.
James is the oldest of four and is the first to trek outta state for university. A proud moment, indeed. And with it, comes expectations. Most of those expectations should just be thrown out the window so he can just live and experience his next chapter in life. Some of those expectations won't matter in a little while, but some will hold dear, as they should. He should know, that no matter what, I'm already more proud than I can possibly express.
My crew had no idea what to expect with his college trip coming up. Of course, they new that money would be spent, and not at all on them. They knew that tempers would be short and time would fly by. They walked on tip toes around me, waiting for me to burst into tears at the mere thought of one of my "ducks" gone.....................which never really happened. But what they did not know and did not really expect was how much they would miss him as well. They did not know how close knit we really were until this past week. Wait till the year really starts. They did not realize the expectations and the worth of all his and all of our (as a family) hard work. It gave my crew something more about family values, expectations, their own expectations, and a start at trying to understand an important life lesson not to be written but by themselves alone.
I do miss him.
The first nite there, he stayed with us in the hotel room cramped with anticipation for registration and orientation the following day. After breakfast, the whole crew trekked out to the university to start our busy day with other anxious freshman and parents. I have to say, the day went very smoothly. No big issues, everything was in order and very easy to understand. Over all, people were friendly, helpful, and excited for all the new incoming students. I'll tell you, it did my heart good knowing I was leaving my son in a good place with great people.
The rest of the day was spent agonizing over what to buy, what he needed, where to shop, and thinking about "good-byes". Thank goodness the area had every store imaginable within a 5mile radius that we were familiar with! Hello! Target!!!! But alas,..the husband and crew found Walmart.....gggrrrrrrr! Shopping ensued,............arguments followed with silent frustration towards the middle of the whole darn shopping trip....................so glad its over! The result was over $300 and James was ready to finish moving into his dorm room. BTW, the shower tote is mighty handy....
Back to the dorm, make the bed, put things away, miss his roommate once again,...... find a spot for "Chuck Norris",..... and well, off to dinner! He ended up spending his first nite there, in the dorm. When we dropped him off after 9pm, he woke his roommate up and ended up spending the rest of the evening getting to know him. I hear it was "good times". They seem to get along really well. *thanx....................
The next morning, Friday, was spent trying to tie up any loose ends, and I'll tell you,...you could already see in his face the excitement of being on campus, meeting people, and "I'm ready for you to go,now". *sniff But I couldn't even shed a tear here, because he was happy! And I was so damn happy and excited for him as well.
When we finally did show up on Saturday morning for our farewells, it was a different story. He did admit to being a little "lost and lonely" the nite before at the social but it was short lived because people found him and they all got along really well. I told him to expect it, and know that it may happen from time to time. But, all he has to do is call, text, write, email...... I'm here,.............we're all here for him. He admitted also that he was growing tired of farewells, and that he just didn't want to go through them again. Not because he'd miss us right away. I think its because he didn't know exactly how to react and what to say. This is new for him. First time away by himself for an long expected stay. He chatted about some goals he thought of after talking with many other students. He talked of doing so much that would take him away even further. Summer vacations in Havasu with the family and upcoming graduations of his siblings were on his mind, because his plans might make it difficult for him to be there. I told him, "Take everything in stride. I'm glad you are thinking ahead and making plans. We had a great family vacation before college, and we'll have more. If you can't make it, we'll see you another time. It'll be okay. As far as graduation? One day at a time. You know family is very important to me, and I've raised all of you in that manner. We will figure it out when the time comes. But you need to live now. Go after your dreams, and dream big. You only have so many opportunities to what you'll be able to do here. So go after them and do them now. Don't wait. And if you have to choose over making a middle school graduation or a high school one, try for the latter. And hopefully, it'll all work out. We're here for you. Just don't stay away too long and definitely keep in touch. Family is important. Remember that." *thinking,...........
And so,...............the time came. We walked outside and of course, I started singing to him. I started singing "My Hometown" by Bowling For Soup. Weird choice? Maybe. But the idea is what I wanted him to "get". You see, he is "getting out of our hometown". And that is what I wanted for him. I wanted him to see it, dream it and do it. You get a different perspective when you leave home. You grow up.
This song made him laugh. It'll definitely be a better memory than all of us breaking down crying. All of us took turns hugging him and saying many different things. What surprised me most was Papa's show of emotion. He sure is proud of his first born. He truly is going to miss him. His crew just hugged and tried to make light of the situation,...I think for him,............and for me. Then, it was "Leaving On A Jet Plane" by Justin, my turn. I hugged him forever,..I really tried. I told him ,....."dont' loose sight of who you truly are"................I just can't repeat right now....anyhow..................and then I prayed with him, in my mind, for peace, for him to continue on a good path, to seek his dreams,...to never forget himself, his true self, and never forget where he came from,..to be proud.........I asked God to take care of him, because with His help,................I've been blessed to have him, love him, raise him, teach him, laugh with him, enjoy him,...cry with him,..... learn from him...so much,.............and now he's in His hands. He always has been. All of them. But I was able to be a big part of all of that; with him and his siblings. No regrets. And I'm not totally letting go. I am still holding on and taking my place along side of him. I'll still be here, but its his turn to grow and learn some of what life has to offer on his own. I can't wait to hear his adventures and where his dreams will take him. A parent I will be always,..... but I want to be able to give him space, without totally letting go. Make sense?
After prayer, after more hugs and some tears........"Not goodbye. Just 'We'll see you real soon'. Love you sooooo much. And really going to miss you"*take your vitamins,... do laundry...... drink water,......
Did you know that he watched our car, all of us, leave campus until he possibly couldn't? I know. Cuz I was watching too.
Currently listening : A Hangover You Don't Deserve By Bowling for Soup Release date: 2004-09-14